Some people on my Twitter feed have been arguing that Lois should get her own alternate cover for Superman Unchained#1, because of her "important role" in the Superman mythos, but really, she's just a Jenny-come-lately. After all, Superman made his debut all the way back in June of 1938 in Action Comics#1 on Page 1. Lois didn't make her debut until Action Comics#1 on Page 6. Page 6!
Let's put that in perspective: The wife-beater appears earlier than Lois -- he debuts halfway through Page 5. Should the wife-beater get his own cover, too?
Oh, sure, you say, but she's the earliest consistently-appearing character in Superman history other than the big guy himself, right? Well, what about George Taylor? He also appeared in Action#1, and he's a more consistent part of the Superman mythos to boot. Why, he's appeared in a few stories in the first year of Grant Morrison's Nu52 Action Comics run, and before that he was in the Bronze Age Mr. And Mrs. Superman backups and...some of the late 70's Green Arrow/Black Canary stories in World's Finest. Top THAT, Page 6 Girl!
More importantly, Lois Lane was never a decent match for Superman. In fact, Lois wasn't originally intended to be a love interest for Clark/Superman in the first place. The internet says so! And you can always believe what's on the internet, can't you?
Why, just look at her introductory panel in Action Comics#1.
|Yeah, this SCREAMS "intended love interest".|
You call THAT an "intended love interest"? He's not even spying on her text messages!
Yes, Lois was patterned after Joanne Siegel, who just happened to be writer Jerry Siegel's wife and the woman he called his "soul mate", but that's irrelevant. Because when a male writer is writing a male lead character and then patterns the most prominent female character after his wife and soul mate, he's never intending her to be the love interest, is he?
And what did Jerry Siegel
know about how Superman and Lois should be interpreted, anyway? He only created
both characters. Big deal! How could that possibly
stack up against the vast combined comic book wisdom and understanding
of the man who introduced DC's premier mystery man
by revealing his origin right out of the starting gate
, the man who designed a bare-midriff costume
for a non-powered Gotham City vigilante
who had previously been stabbed in the stomach
, and the man who retooled
Captain Marvel's Shazam's
origin to include Billy Batson calling the Old Wizard a pedophile
"Lois was originally intended as Superman's love interest". How ridiculous! Next you'll be telling me how Marvel mutants are a metaphor for marginalized minority groups!
Why, look at how wonderfully Superman and Wonder Woman work together!
In that very issue, Superman spells out why The Greatest Romantic Pairing In All Recorded History is vastly superior to Clark-Lois:
He's got a point, Lois. How could deep conversations with you about things like world affairs, journalistic integrity, and the complications of maintaining a human/superhuman relationship possibly compare with the sheer awesomeness of being able to mansplain how to eat dinner in a public restaurant?
What better display of how Superman's love for Diana greatly overshadows his slight feeling for Lois than these sage words from Princess Diana herself?
that he couldn't care less
And why should
he? She's nowhere near
the attractiveness level
he deserves. Why, look at how unsexy
he see in her?
You want proof
she's unattractive? Just look at the homely plain Janes
who have played
her over the last quarter-century.
, right? Not a sexy or glamorous bone
in their bodies!
of sex, there's no way Superman could ever
with Lois. "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex"
, remember? Because the key
to great sex
is just a matter of being able to pound as hard as possible
and nothing more
, isn't it? It's the core principle
of the Kama Sutra
! That's why Clark needs Diana. Clark and Lois have never
had sex in their entire 75-year history
. How could they? It's not like past Superman writers could have the two consummate
their relationship and couch it in a clever G-rated code word
like, say, "Beef Bourguignon"
, could they? Impossible!
Why, look at a comparably-matched couple
like, say, Nolan "Omni-Man" Grayson
and his wife Debbie
. He's from an alien race with Kryptonian level strength
and she's an ordinary Earth woman
. There's no chance
of poor Debbie even surviving
, let alone producing a child
who would grow up to become a Kryptonian-level strongman himself
and star in his own solo comic
, catapulting Robert Kirkman
to stardom and helping revitalize Image Comics
. No fucking way
|This comic? Could NEVER HAPPEN!|
And look at how the revised Nu52 status quo greatly benefits
all the key characters in the Superman/Wonder Woman
It benefits Steve Trevor
because it frees him of the restrictive role of being Wonder Woman's mere human boyfriend and allows him to fulfill the role he should've been playing all along: Leading covert government teams
and being the next Rick Flag
It benefits Lois
by simplifying her character arc
. Why waste all those pages actually showing
what a great reporter and woman she is when all you need is the occasional splash-page narrative infodump?
And why bog her down with the whole "journalistic integrity"
narrative? Give it to Clark
It benefits Wonder Woman
by freeing her from the burden of being self-sufficient
or being best at anything
or having her own narrative
. When has she ever had the chance to utter such dialogue as "Clark, people actually eat with UTENSILS
? That's AMAZING
Best of all, it benefits Superman
by letting him do what he should
have been doing all along: BEING BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE AT EVERYTHING!
Let's face it, there's nothing
Supes can't do better than anyone else
in the DCU. He's more impervious to magic
than Wonder Woman's magic-proof weaponry
! He can out-report Lois
! He can outsmart Batman
! He can outrun the Flash
! He can outswim Aquaman
! He can out-bullshit John Constantine
He can even out-head-trauma Hal Jordan
Before, we were bogged down in the silly idea
of Clark and Lois somehow being equals
And now for a....
Not only will I be writing the new "Fuckin' A, Superman And Wonder Woman!" blog from now on, but I will also be accompanying each blog post with a video version of each post I do! You'll finally hear what I sound like
. You can hear the first video installment HERE
(Special thanks to Tom
, and Mary
for words, ideas, and opinions that I have
ripped off outright
drawn upon for inspiration in writing this post.)