Friday, August 19, 2011

Friday Night Fights: Smokin' Joe - Round 3: FNF-- Seinfeld Style!*

Tonight's entry for Friday Night Fights: Smokin' Joe features the type of fight that only Jerry Seinfeld could love. Here we have 1984's Alpha Flight#6, written and drawn by John Byrne. Here, Alpha Flight's Snowbird goes head to head with the great beast Kolomaq.

And with that, Kolomaq engulfs both himself and Snowbird in a blinding snowstorm. Pay attention to that last part, because it'll be very important in understanding what happens next.

As you can see above, John Byrne is a talented artist who packs a lot of detail in his art.  Historically, he's been quite the workhorse, taking on writing, pencilling, and sometimes even inking multiple monthly books at once, rarely needing a fill-in or missing a deadline. Whatever flaws Byrne has had either as a writer or an artist, you can't fault his work ethic.

So what was the deal with THIS???

In the above page, Snowbird transforms into a great white bear and attacks Kolomaq.

No, really! You'll have to take my word on it!

Above, Snowbird-as-a-bear grapples with Kolomaq, causing them to tumble off some sort of embankment. The freefalling causes Snowbird to panic and transform directly into an owl. Unfortunately, she's forgotten the customary step of changing into her human form first, causing the transformation to be excruciatingly painful.

At least, I think that's what happened.

Snowbird flies back up to the top of the cliff and changes back to her human form, only to confirm that Kolomaq is still alive and daring her to attack again.


Snowbird attacks Kolomaq in her human form, causing the great beast to stagger and fall. But before she can ascertain his condition, Kolomaq shoots a dozen ice daggers at her.

No, I'm not making this up!

After all that, Byrne can't possibly give us any more blank panels, right?



So Snowbird carries out her grand plan of goading Kolomaq into attacking her with all his might. In the process, he also unleashes his attack against the nearby cliffside as well.

(I think.)

And now.... The CLIMACTIC FINISH!!!



What's happening now?

Oh, look. More blank panels!

Apparently, Kolomaq's attack has weakened the cliff base.

And that means.....


And lots of them!!!

Ok, who actually won this fight?



Glad you could explain that, Snowbird. Otherwise, it might have been really confusing!

And there you have it, folks: The fight about....NOTHING. Eat your heart out, Seinfeld!

Tonight's fight music is the latest song by Mike Doughty, "Na Na Nothing".

By the way, the front page of the comic indicates that the comic came out during what Marvel called "Assistant Editors' Month", in which the assistant editors all filled in for the main editors. That explains a great deal.

For more fights about something, click here. And don't leave your vote blank!

(*Apologies to Brian.)