Justice League#0 In Sixty Seconds

(Billy Batson and Old Wizard in abandoned subway tunnel)


WIZARD: "I asked for a hero and you brought me THIS TWERP??? Bang-up job there. Seeking Spell! Guess you'll have to do, kid."


BILLY: "Listen, Chester...."*


WIZARD: "Chester? Who the hell is Chester?"


BILLY: "... That stuff might work like candy on six-year-olds, but you come any closer and I'll knock out the rest of your teeth."*


[*Editor's Note: These are actual lines of dialogue from this comic.]


WIZARD: "Yeah, yeah, kid, you're streetwise. We get it. Now shut up and let me scan your thoughts to see if you're worthy."


(Scans Billy)


WIZARD: "Meh. Guess you're not a TOTAL dick. Here, have some Greco-Roman god-infused superpowers. And a roided-up adult body. And a ridiculously over-blingy Jim Lee costume."


(Billy turns into Captain Marvel)


KELLY SUE DECONNICK: "HEY!!!"


(Oh, sorry, Billy turns into Shazam)


CAPTAIN MARVEL SHAZAM: "Awesome! Let's break something!"


(Smashes throne of the guy who just gave him superpowers)


WIZARD: "Dude! What the HELL????"


THE PLUTONIAN: "Hey! Those are MY facial expressions!"


(Cut to Shazam and a strangely blond Freddy Freeman on the street)


FREDDY: "Don't hurt me!"


SHAZAM: "Dude, it's me! Don't you recognize my sheer dickishness?"


FREDDY: "Billy, it IS you! Wait, dude, what's with that lightning in your eyes?"


SHAZAM: "Hold that thought. Gotta break something again!"


(Smashes Not Lucius Malfoy's SUV)


MUGGER (TO WOMAN): "Give me your money!"


SHAZAM: "Oh, no, you don't!"


(Punches normal human Mugger straight through a car and into a wall)


WOMAN: "You saved me!"


SHAZAM: "Can I get 20 bucks?"


FREDDY: "Uh, shouldn't we get that mugger guy to a hospital?"


SHAZAM: "Nah, screw him. I just got 20 bucks!"


FREDDY: "We're gonna be so rich!"


(Leaves Mugger for dead)


ME (checking mythology books): "Uh... which one of those six gods is the God Of Hitting People Up For Cash again?"


BILL PARKER, C.C. BECK, E. NELSON BRIDWELL, DON NEWTON, AND KURT SCHAFFENBERGER: "When we get our Black Lantern Rings, you are SO SCREWED, Johns!!"