Public Announcement: Entire Comics Blogosphere To Be Rebooted!

Hello, my  name is "Dan". I'll be writing this blog post today for Mr. Notintheface while he is attending a special orientation. In fact, I'm actually HOSTING his orientation in my office even as I'm writing this. All of Mr. Face's own words will be in quotations for the duration of this post.


"Ok, what the hell am I doing here and who the hell are you?"


You can call me "Dan". The reason you're here is that we're going to reboot the entire comics blogosphere starting this month in order to appeal to a more diverse group of internet readers.


"Wait, what?"


All the current comic blogs will be discontinued and replaced with new blog titles beginning this week. 52 of them, to be exact.


"And you're doing this why, exactly?"


You see, Mr. Face, many blog readers were overwhelmed by the decades of confusing excess history and continuity in the comics blogosphere, so we're simplifying all that and allowing them to start in from the ground up.


"Uh, 'decades'??? My blog isn't even five years ol--"


Never mind that, Mr. Face. Things were just too complicated. Now, here is a look at my solicits for the new comics blogs.


"Ok, I'll start with this one. Hey, it's for Chris Sims."


Meet Chris Sims. He’s addicted to the night. Addicted to shiny objects. Addicted to Batman. Most of all, Chris Sims is addicted to danger. He can’t help himself, and the truth is – he doesn’t want to. He’s good at being bad, and very bad at being good.


"So, in other words, he's staying exactly the same."


Yes, he's part of our "Batman" family of blogs, so he's only getting the "extra-soft" reboot. Some of the other blogs will be getting the "hard" reboots.


"Like...?"


This one for Brian Snell's new blog:


Brian Snell is a James Bond enthusiast from Kalamazoo, Michigan. He's also the head of S.L.A.Y., a covert organization in charge of overseeing the activities of Sharktopuses on Earth.


"Wait, 'Sharktopuses'? Shouldn't that be 'Sharktopi'?"


Just go with it. Here's a revised history for Kalinara and Ragnell.


"Ah, Kalinara and Ragnell! That classic feminist comic blogging duo. WFA. Dispatches. All the classic comedic interplay between them over the years...."


Under the new comics blog continuity, they've never met until now.


"Wait, why...?"


Do I have to explain it again, Mr. Face? It's so new readers won't get bogged down in excess continuity.


"All right, all right. Here's one for Ami."


Ami Angelwings is the head of E.S.C.H.E.R., a covert govermnent operation in charge of overseeing superheroines with "unique" anatomy.


"Uh, I also notice under her character bio that her favorite artists are now Joe Benitez, Greg Land, and Rob Liefeld."


Well, we had to establish a few...mandates, Mr. Face. Some ground rules for our new blogs.


"Like this one which says we can't blog about Battle Of The Planets?"


Not iconic enough.


"Oh, Tronix is gonna hate that one. And this one: 'All Friday Night Fights posts must contain at least one dismemberment'???"


Comic blog audiences are more sophisticated now.


"And this one: 'Wonder Woman Wednesday and Super Silly Sunday can only feature art by Ed Benes, Mike Deodato, and/or Ian Churchill'?"


Those men are legendary artists.


"---"


We're almost done, Mr. Face. Here's the solicit for Sally P.


Sally P. is a housewife in Windsor Locks, Connecticut. She's also the head of B.U.T.T.S., a covert government organization in charge of overseeing the activities of the Green Lanterns of Sector 2817.


"Oh, she'll like that.."


Also, she'll now look like this...

"Wait, you can do that???"


Yes, we can. Don't ask how.


"This 'diverse audience' you're going for? It's just 18-34 year old white guys, isn't it?"


That demo is an important and reliable...


"Whatever. Are we finished yet?"


Just one more. Yours, Mr. Face.


"Ok, let's read this puppy."


Notintheface is the head of G.A.R.T.E.R.S., a covert government organization in charge of overseeing the activities of covert government organizations on the comics blogosphere.


"Oh, that doesn't sound too bad so far. Now let's take a look at my revised character bio and... Wait, what the hell is THIS???"


That's your revised marital history, Mr. Face. You've never been married before.


"WHAAAAT????"


Our desired reader demo relates better with single male bloggers, Mr. Face.


"But we're having a baby in...."


But married bloggers are boring. You'll be playing the field, including dating a blonde lady cop with glasses. Blog readers can't predict what your new love life will be, Mr. Face, but we guarantee it will NEVER be boring.


"'BORING'??? Ok, that's it....!"


Please remain in your seat until the orientation is complete, Mr. Face..


"Kill....Rend....DESTROY.....FRAG!!!!!!"


Stay away from me, Mr. Face, I'm.....wait, what are you doing with my desk lamp?


"Heyyy, nice desk lamp you've got here,'Dan'! I bet it would look a whole lot better BURIED IN YOUR...!!"


NO, DON'T! PLEASE DON'T.....AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH...*


(PLEASE STAND BY)